Last night I went with my friend Lauren to see one of her friend's bands play. I had been in Larryville all day helping Meghann pack up her apartment. It was 96 degrees or so, I had been running up and down stairs all day, and was just altogether gross and tired. Needless to say, I wasn't feeling too hot. I had to go directly from Lawrence to the show, so there was no time to change.
So I pick Lauren up, and we head to the bar. We walk in as the band is starting and there are about 15 people there. I sit down at a table while Lauren goes to talk to some people she recognizes. As I'm sitting at the table, I look to my right, and as I turn back towards facing straight ahead, I realize that someone is standing at my table right next to me. I jump a little, because I wasn't expecting it. The guy laughs and says he didn't mean to scare me. I said it was okay. Then he starts talking to me. (not my type, by the way.) Fault #1: He's smoking, and because of the way the air is flowing, it is blowing directly into my face. I keep moving, rather dramatically, to get away from it, and after about a minute or so, he catches on and moves his cigarette. Fault #2: He is a close-talker. For those of you who don't know, close-talkers are those who get right in your face, uncomfortably close, when talking to you. I don't think anyone likes a close-talker. And seriously, the music wasn't that loud. And if it is, I don't want you talking directly into my face; talk into MY EAR. While doing the close-talking, I realized fault #3: Halitosis. Seriously. If you're going to be talking inches from my face, especially if you're trying to impress me, PUT IN A MINT BEFORE APPROACHING.
Obviously, things were not going well for this poor chap. He was kind of nice, I will give him that. But "kind of nice" is not going to cut it. At this point Lauren realizes what's been going on and comes over. He goes to get another PBR and she says, "I'm going to stand really close so that he can't stand there anymore." This was a good plan, but it left my right side open. I can actually handle that. I have no problem turning my back on someone and completely ignoring them. In a polite way, of course. Unfortunately, the skinny bastard didn't get the clue, because when he came back, he squeezed his way back in between us! Some of you may be saying, "Jennifer, that's a fault!" but, I give him credit for his persistence. I mean, I can see myself doing something like that. (Although usually I'm welcome to squeeze in between people.) Okay, fault #4: after his squeezing back in, he was doing more small talk and said, "So, do you live with Jennifer?" (he was talking about Lauren) I said, "I am Jennifer. Her name is Lauren." He then proceeded to get really apologetic about it. I told him not to worry about it, that it happens, but seriously. If you think you like someone, and you are planning on asking them out, do your best to REMEMBER THEIR NAME.
Hmmm, so let's see. Lauren (after checking with me, like any good friend would do) left me alone with him again, and I knew what was coming. He instantly leans on the table, does his bad-breath-close-talking and says, "So, I think we should hang out." Before being able to stop myself I said, "You do?" and he said yes. I said, "Well, I'm not dating right now." And he said, "Well, we could still go out." And I said, "I'm leaving the country, so I'm not dating right now." As I'm sure you can all tell, I'm trying (kind of) to be nice about rejecting him. But he does not stop. Fault #5 comes during this conversation: he says, "Well, I'm not looking for a serious relationship." (As if I had suggested that I had wanted one.)
Okay, here is why I believe this is a fault. I have absolutely no problem with people not wanting to be serious. But, in this situation, it was as if he had blatantly said, "I really just want to see if I'm going to get any action from you." Not okay to admit right away. I mean, who, when meeting someone at a bar and possibly exchanging numbers, thinks, "This guy seems nice. Let's go straight from not knowing each other, to having a serious relationship!" In addition, I had said, "I'm not dating right now." In my book, and I believe most of my friend's books, dating does not mean serious relationship. It means, going out every once in awhile, but possibly with multiple people, and definitely not anything exclusive. Therefore, his response was completely wrong for what I had been saying.
Finally, Lauren comes back. And he goes to drink his sorrows away. But we're not done with his faults yet! A little while later, he comes over to talk to some friends. During their conversation, of which I'm obviously within earshot, I hear them talking about boners. Fault #6. Without a doubt. Guys, here is a bit of advice for you: DON'T TALK ABOUT BONERS WITH YOUR FRIENDS IN FRONT OF A GIRL YOU JUST MET, WHO YOU ALSO WANT TO IMPRESS. Granted, at this point, I think he'd figured out that I wasn't going to go out with him, so maybe he didn't care.
I think that was about it. But wow. Come on. This may turn into my own version of What Not To Wear. But with guys. And dating.
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BUT WHERE DOES ONE "PUT IN A MINT"? Does one tuck it into one's ear, so that one resembles a Secret Service agent, thereby increasing the sense of intrigue, of danger? Does one put it into one's nostril, so that it is absorbed into the thin nasal membranes, producing a state of minty-fresh euphoria, augmenting courage and bravado (and possibly impairing motor skills)? Or does one put it into the Bad Place, so that as it is absorbed there in a cool-hot rush, one is reminded of the grotesqueness of being human and of how purity is such an artificial, disposable thing, and of how we must sally forth with the knowledge that we are merely walking stacks of cells, fluids, tissues and nerves? I swear, the last time I put a mint there, that's exactly what I felt. Since then, I've only ever put mints into my mouth. I hope that's what you mint...I mean, meant.
Touché Jason, touché.
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