Just one of those nights

I've been thinking about Caleb a lot today. A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from his phone number that made my heart stop. Unfortunately, I missed the call, but a message was left. It was his mom just wanting to talk to me for a little bit. I should really change it from his name to either his mom's or dad's name, but I probably won't.

He made me a mix tape a long time ago that I love. When he made it, instead of writing the real titles down for each song, he made up titles for them. They were inside jokes that he and I shared. It made me and still makes me crack up every time I read them. I can't even remember what some of them were about, which makes me really wish I could ask him and also really angry for not remembering. These aren't the things I can ask other people.

The last time we talked, which I believe was just a few days before he died, I asked him if he could remember what songs he put on the tape so I could know the actual titles. He just laughed saying something about how he should have put both the real and fun titles on there. I'm sure I responded with something like, "don't worry about it, we can figure it out later." I also asked him for another tape, since I was wearing out the original one. I'm in the process of trying to transfer it from tape to CD, but I am so paranoid that the tape is going to break in the process. That would break my heart.

I don't know what else to say. I'm so tired, but I know I'm not going to be able to fall asleep tonight for awhile. Or maybe writing this is exactly what I need and it will, in fact, help me fall asleep.